Apologizing to those we
have hurt or harmed isn’t always an easy task. There can be various obstacles
in our way of doing what is right. Some are:
A) A matter of pride: . . . To apologize is to set aside our pride long
enough to admit our imperfections. For some people, this feels far too
vulnerable, too dangerous. It means they have to admit they are flawed
and fallible, something they refuse to do. And apologizing also overrides
our tendency to make excuses or blame others. This acceptance of
responsibility for our own actions is so out of character for some that it is
nearly impossible.
B) A sign of weakness: . . . To many, apologizing reflects weakness. These
people have a tendency to need to be right and to always be seen as
strong and powerful. But the truth is, apologizing for the harm you caused
and taking responsibility for your mistakes can actually be seen as a sign of
strength. For example, General Mark Milley recently apologized for appearing in
a photo-op with President Trump. “It was a mistake,” he admitted, “I should not
have been there.” For most people, hearing a top General apologize didn’t
diminish him in their eyes but elevated him. The truth is, it takes strength to
apologize.
C) Fear of being shamed: . . . .
Some people have been so severely shamed in their childhood that
they can’t tolerate any further shaming. This includes admitting when
they are wrong or apologizing for mistakes.
D) The fear of consequences: . . .
. . Many people fear that if they take the risk of apologizing they may
be rejected. "What if he never speaks to me again," and
"What if she leaves me?" are two of our most common fears.
Others fear that by apologizing they risk being exposed to others or of having
their reputations ruined. "What if he tells everyone what I
did?" is the common fear of those who fear this consequence. Some people
fear that by admitting fault they will lose the respect of others. "What
if she thinks I'm incompetent?" Still, others fear retaliation, "What
if he yells at me?" "What if she tries to get revenge?" Finally,
the fear of exposure or even arrest may prevent us from doing what we know we
need to do. Even those who would like to apologize for wrongdoing hold back out
of fear of being sued or arrested, or due to the advice of legal
counsel.
E) A lack of awareness: . . . . .
Many people don't apologize because they are oblivious to the effect their
actions have on others. They don't apologize because they are simply unaware
that they have anything to apologize for. They may be so focused on what others
have done to harm them that they can't see how they have harmed others, or they
just may be so self-focused that they are unable to see the effect their behaviour
has on others.
Each person suffers in one
way or another. And each of us is trying to end that suffering in any way we
can. Sometimes, in a last-ditch effort to end our suffering, we choose to
close off our minds or harden our hearts. When we do this, we
accomplish our goal of not being able to feel our pain but we also stop being
able to feel the pain of others. When this happens we act in callous, selfish,
even cruel ways without even knowing it. This may give the impression that we
don't care when, in fact, we are just blind to the effects of our actions.
F) The inability to empathize: . .
. . . By far, the most significant reason why so many of us have
difficulty apologizing it that we lack empathy for others, that quality
that enables us to put ourselves in the place of the other person.
In order to truly apologize we need to be able to imagine how our behaviour or
attitude has affected the other person. Unfortunately, many people are unable
to do this. Some have to be reminded how to have empathy, others have to be
taught.
Apology has the power to humble the most arrogant of people. When we are able
to develop the courage to admit when we are wrong and to work past our fears
and resistance to apologizing we develop a deep sense of respect for ourselves.
This self-respect can, in turn, affect our self-esteem, our self-confidence and
our overall outlook on life.
When I apologize to you I
show you that I respect you and care about your feelings. I let you know that I
did not intend to hurt you and that it is my intention to treat you fairly in
the future. By accepting my apology you not only show me (and yourself) that
you have a generous spirit but that you are giving me and our relationship
another chance. In addition, you are reminded of your own mistakes and this in
turn can encourage you to treat me and others with more respect and
consideration.
What is a Meaningful Apology?
Many people need to be taught how to apologize in a way that will be heard and
accepted. An effective, meaningful apology is one that communicates the
three R's: . . .
1) A statement of regret
for having caused the inconvenience, hurt, or damage.
To feel true regret we need to have empathy for the person we have harmed. This
entails imagining how the other person feels and an awareness of the
inconvenience, hurt, or damage that you caused the other person. Having
empathy for the person you hurt or angered is actually the most important part
of your apology. When you truly have empathy the other person will feel
it. Your apology will wash over him or her like a healing balm. On the other
hand, if you don't have empathy your apology will sound and feel empty.
2) An acceptance of responsibility
for your actions.
This means not blaming anyone else for what you did and not making
excuses for your actions but instead accepting full responsibility.
3) A statement of your willingness to take some action to remedy the
situation.
This could be either by promising to not repeat your action, a promise to work toward not making the same mistake again, a statement as to how you are going to remedy the situation or by making restitution for the damages you caused. Just saying you are sorry is insulting unless you offer reassurances that you will not do it again.
Apology is a powerful interaction that has an almost magical ability to provide
healing for both the offended and the offender. Let’s not squander our
opportunities to heal, grow, and change our lives and the lives of others for
the better by refusing to admit our wrongs or by giving half-hearted, bumbled,
or insulting apologies.
Article Reference: The Power of Apology- Healing Steps to Transform All Your
Relationships, by Beverly Engel.
Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa
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